I haven't written here for a while. It has been a difficult spring so far. In February, my father passed away after several tough years. As my mother said, it was not completely unexpected, but we didn't expect it that day. My first response was shock, followed by a bit of relief. He had been so unhappy for so long, and just feeling so bad that I was glad he was no longer in pain. I was also glad for my mom in that her life had become pretty centered around his daily needs.
There was a part of me that thought that I would not struggle that much as we had gone through so much of that grief well before he died. I actually said the eulogy and even sang a song I wrote about Dad, and it was not as hard as I feared, partly because of that sense of relief and years of working through the grief and understanding that Dad was not getting better.
But after some reflection that relief has morphed into sadness and even depression. The finality has sunk in, and with it came missing the man who was, and even mourning the father who, at times, was difficult. Maybe more accurately, mourning the father that I know he wanted to be, and of whom we saw glimpses.
It has been hard to separate out the grief of losing Dad from the other griefs in life--the death of both of my wife's parents; a disappearing history career, and with it a sense of floundering. Throw in our diabetic 17 year old cat needing to go to the vet this morning, and you can see how this can all cloud the days.
I am not working through this alone. Not only is SOF a steady and wise listening board, but my mother and I have been able to share this grief together. Add to that some amazing and insightful friends, and I certainly don't feel isolated.
Anyway. I hope to write more, but this will do for now.