President Jesus, Part 1

I am really trying to laugh. I was in such a bad mood yesterday that I almost punched someone, and I am pretty sure she could have beaten the hell out of me. :) I still think you Republicans are being fooled by someone who I don't think shares your values. But when I point out things like, oh, lies, or Bush's unbelievably racist tactics in South Carolina in 2000, all I hear back is "that is politics. Everyone does that." Evidently, even someone who says Jesus is his favorite philosopher. Hard to imagine Jesus doing that, but who knows?

So, here is President Jesus (as Bush seems to see him). Warning: Sacrilegious essay follows.

Scene 1. (President Jesus scans the Washington Times in the Oval Office) "I am sure glad I don't read the paper that often," President Jesus says to himself, "this thing is huge. Oh, look, nuclear plants are not as protected as I said they are. Hmmm. Is it nukular or nuclear? (Shoulders shake with laughter) I can never get that right! Oh, that is funny."
(Secretary calls from outer office) Disciple Rice is here to see you, Mr. President Jesus.
(President Jesus) Smiles and thinks how good it is to have a woman disciple. Disciple Cheney and Mom are right, I am truly the best president ever. "Send her in."
(Disciple Rice) "Mr. President, what are we going to do about Palestine and Israel?"
(President Jesus) "Well, of course, Israel is my people, and I don't like that Yasser Arafat. Man is he ugly. Let's just let Ariel take em out."
(Rice) "Just wondering. You were quoted as saying something about loving your enemy or turning the other cheek."
(President Jesus) "Darn media. Can't ever get anything right. Just like that time they quoted me as saying "blessed are the poor." Never said it. You won't find it anywhere. I did say things about how rich people are better and should be helped out since they are so deserving. What I said was bomb your enemies into submission. Let my Dad sort it out. If you aren't with us, you are against us. "
(Rice) "Ok. Thank you Mr. President. (Leaves)

(Door opens again, this time with Disciple Ashcroft) "Mr. President. You know that thing the Romans did to you? With the cross and everything? Well, we want to do more of that here at home. Not with a cross--takes too long and is messy. But we can zap 'em or kill em with drugs pretty quickly."
(President Jesus) "Sure. Let's do more of that. If they don't like it, they shouldn't have shot that 7-11 clerk or been mentally ill. 'Please don't kill me,' (makes mocking face). Give me a break. Just do it. Oh, and cut any of those programs aimed at prevention. If they can't learn morality in Sunday School, then they had better watch for the needle! "

(Secretary walks into office with a message pad) "Mr. President, Former Disciple O'Neill called and wondered why your tax cuts were primarily for the rich."
(President Jesus) "Disciple Ashcroft, you thinking of him with this program? No? Oh, that's right. We use the needle mostly on the poor and minority. Anyway. I told the Former Disciple when he was a Disciple that we are giving more money to the rich because they are already rich. If you are rich, it is a sign that my Dad really likes you a lot. So, we will reward those that Dad likes. Not GHWB, you know, but the Big Guy."
(Secretary nods, leaves room quickly.)

(Ashcroft leaves the office and the President Jesus retires to the nearby residence to watch television. A John Wayne movie is on. The President watches with interest as on the screen John Wayne walks across the room to talk to Jimmy Stewart. The President gets up and practices that same walk. "Duke, you were the greatest," he says to the television.
(Staffer comes in) "Mr. President Jesus, it is time for your press conference."
(President Jesus groans) "Not again. Ok."
(The President Jesus walks to the Press briefing room, using the walk he has just been working on. Listens outside as his Press Secretary introduces him, then swaggers in.) "I will now take your questions"
(Fox News reporter) "Mr. President Jesus, how much do you love God?"
(President Jesus with feeling and emphasis) "Mucho. Good question."
(Actual reporter) "Mr. President Jesus, what will your administration do to address the concerns of global warming?"
(President Jesus with smirk) "That is bad science. (Turns laughing to rest of room) Poindexter here probably doubts that we can shoot down missiles from space or turn the moon into a Hooters. Man, just wait until we have armed satellites in space! Then we will show the evil ones! And even if global warming were true, I am going to end the world soon anyway, so don't sweat it! No pun intended" (Misses warning looks from Disciple Judas Rove who is making the cut signs from the side) "Make no mistake about it, this world is for you to make money. I should know, I created it! Wasn't that hard, either. So you just have fun cutting trees and digging up stuff. And driving. Don't forget driving. The next limo for me is a Hummer!"
(Disciple Judas Rove called Disciple Cheney who makes a call to his friends in the Energy business. The power is cut to the press room. End of press conference.)