Feeling less need to rant. Maybe the rage is subsiding a bit. So, in the spirit of "desert island lists" here is my top ten things I would do as ruler of the Universe. That may sound arrogant, but I think some of them would be outside the reach of a mere king or president. Unless I just said they all had wmd.......

As Ruler of the Universe, I would.....

10. Band the DH and Astroturf. Astroturf for all sports and the DH, well, only for Baseball. Depending on my mood, baseball may be banned just for starting to be annoying. Tennis, Bowling, Olympics and the NBA are all gone. NBA can come back if they start enforcing traveling. Tennis and the Olympics are just gone. Football season will now be 3 months longer.

9. Ban George Steinbrenner from owning anything larger than a hot-dog stand. Same goes for any sports owner who likes wearing fur, or goes on freakish diets, or lives in Arizona.

8. Eliminate the death penalty except for a very small select number of crimes. Those are a) moving a team or threatening to move a team to get a bigger stadium, b) being named Pat Robertson, c) fake apologizing for flashing your breast or the breast of your dance partner at a SB half-time show, or d) speaking nostalgically for the old Confederacy. As RotU, I maintain the option for revising this small list--mostly to add offenders. Can't see any reason to remove any yet.

7. Establish sport salaries that are well above the average, but then are tied to performance. You win games as QB, you get more money. You lose games, or hit .210, you have to pay a public school salary. You win games and hit .325, you have to pay 3 public school salaries. While I am at it, comparing a NFL player's life to slavery puts that person in the list for Rule 8.

6. Every televangelist or annoying preacher type will have to serve as male prostitutes in Haiti. The women will just be moved to Washington as interns. Or should I switch those? Pat Robertson may be glad he falls under Rule 8.

5. Depending on my mood (RotU are notoriously capricious) the American South may or may not be allowed to remain in the Union. And by "remain in the Union," I mean remain attached to North America and above water.

4. All reality shows will be canceled immediately (unless they can be used to torture those from #6) and replaced with The Simpsons, King of the Hill and Seinfeld.

3. Speaking of Television, 24 hour news shows would only be allowed to broadcast news. That means something has to change, not just rehash the same, oh, say, Michael Jackson news while ignoring the substantive concerns of, oh, say, why our intelligence was hijacked by rogue neo-cons! Oh, and Fox News is now a toxic waste dump. And they have to stop broadcasting.

2. The State of Texas will be banned from sending anyone to the White House for the next 100 years.

1. Dick Cheney will be forced to marry Antonin Scalia in a public ceremony. Unless being married to Lynn Cheney isn't enough of a punishment.