October 3, 2011

Bill Maher: GOP candidate Jesus Christ

Just about brilliant:
And that's the downside to living in a fantasy world. For a Republican candidate to not disappoint you, he would have to be Jesus of Nazareth. And even Jesus would be toast after a few news cycles. Because "feed the hungry"? Sounds suspiciously like welfare. And "heal the sick"... for free?? (wild audience applause) That is definitely Obamacare! And "turn the other cheek"? Maybe you didn't hear, Jesus, but this is the party that cheers executions.

So here now is the short campaign timeline of Jesus Christ, Republican candidate.

Day 3

Three days after Jesus announces he's in, a Gingrich spokesman reports that he read Jesus's book... and finds some aspects of it troubling. Mitt Romney says Jesus's previous statements make him appear anti-business. And Rick Perry asks if America is ready for a Jewish President. And then Rick eats a paint chip.

Day 7

At the Republican debate, the other candidates pile on the new frontrunner. Michele Bachmann calls the meek inheriting the earth a colossal expansion of the estate tax. And Newt Gingrich scores the big zinger when he says, "Mr. Christ, America can't afford another cheek!"

Day 9

Teabaggers start getting e-mails from their idiot brother-in-law about how Jesus is not even from this country. (wild audience applause) And was born alongside a bunch of animals in a manger. And not to harp on it, but where's the birth certificate? And if he's a carpenter, is he too pro-union?

Day 10

Jesus is now polling fourth behind Perry, Romney, and the pizza guy. And in a desperate attempt to gain credibility, he goes to New York and has coffee with Trump... who pronounces him, "a decent guy, but a little effeminate".

7 comments:

Smitty said...

Teabaggers start getting e-mails from their idiot brother-in-law about how Jesus is not even from this country.

I want to put that quote up in church. I want to write it in calligraphy and put it in a tasteful frame in my office. That's how much I love that quote. It sorta says it all about that whole movement.

Monk-in-Training said...

The hilarious thing is that Jesus wouldn't be allowed in most of their Churches, since He was far too brown and terrorstic looking....

Very suspect!

Streak said...

But Monk, I have seen the pictures, and Jesus looks awful white and European! :)

Smitty, I swear sometimes I think that Americhristians think that Jesus was born here, and that Christianity is all about us.

Monk-in-Training said...

Well, and there is that trouble with His birth certificate....

steves said...

Streak, I believe you are referring to his cousin, Jesus Christenson.

leighton said...

Nordic Jesus sacrificed Odin at Ragnarok for your sins.

Jeffro said...

I listened to this on the Real Time podcast today and was in tears laughing.