Washington, DC (AP) - After keeping a low profile, Conservative Jesus held his first public press conference early this morning to clarify the stances taken in his name. "WWJD? That was about me, so I thought I would be direct with the American people (who I prefer, naturally) about my beliefs. So many politicians like to claim to represent me (cough, cough, Obama), but only the conservative ones do," said CJ during his opening statement. A full transcript will be available later, but here are the highlights of CJ's policy, moral, and ethical beliefs.
--on climate change--"Humans can't be responsible because I am in charge. And there is no reason to stop making money to protect any part of my creation."
--on the poor and working class--"Snort. Those lazy people have gotten a free ride for far too long. Time for them to pay more in taxes. If they want government services like fire, police, and sanitation, time to step up and pay even more of their meager wealth."
--on political discourse--"Sure, I said a lot of things in the NT about treating people well, but that was only intended for your friends. You don't have to be respectful, honest, or anything to liberals."
--on the growing homeless--"Most of them are mentally ill."
--on the disabled poor--"Seriously? They want to stay alive? Ok, but don't ask the rich and powerful to do anything. Unless they want, of course, but I am not going to make them. As I often said, "Blessed are the rich and powerful because I like them SOOO much."
Conservative Jesus ended the press conference by praising Tea Party and Republican conservatives for holding to their principles of protecting the rich and powerful and demonizing the poor. "That is just how we did it in my day."