President Jesus returns. Again

President Jesus returns
I have been reading Fafblog lately (it is the only source for Fafblog) and struck by just how damn creative this blog is. Meanwhile, mine continues to rant and angrily link to stories that make me angrily link and swear. So, I have decided to try and do a little more of my own brand of comedy. If you guys don't like it, you can watch cable news like the rest of the world. So, here is another episode of President Jesus.

[Remember that our President said that his favorite philosopher was Jesus, so this series imagines Jesus (as Bush sees him, evidently) as President. Scene opens with President Jesus holding yet another press conference. (Oddly enough, President Jesus holds more of these than President Bush. Hmm. May have to add to the set budget.) ]

Reporter: Mr. President Jesus, how are you responding to the death of former President Reagan?

President Jesus: I am heartbroken, as would anyone who loses their father. But don't worry, I will be just like him in every way. Except acting with a monkey.

Reporter: Uh, your father? Oh well. Nevermind. Mr. President, there are a lot of other issues in the news. Can you address the supposed torture memo?

President Jesus: Let me just say that my administration hates torture. It is not the kind of America that I know and love. But we must also recognize that we are on a war-footing. We have to do what we have to do. We must act to stop the evil doers.

Reporter: Does that mean that America now uses torture in the war on terror?

President Jesus: No, it means that we have redefined what torture is. It is just like how we have redefined certain sins. You used to be able to sin with money and keep your clothes on. No more. Now sin only refers to the druggies, the fornicators and the sodomites and gomorrohites. Only sin you can do with money is to have sex with it, or buy a hooker. Same thing with torture. What we used to see as torture is now just talking. It used to be torture to stick a light stick up someone's rear, but now that is just a friendly discussion. Even if we kill them, that isn't necessarily torture. Hell, in Texas, we kill people all the time. Perfectly legal.

Reporter: Sin?

President Jesus: I just signed an Executive Order to recategorize sin to only include sex (like that horrible fellow before me) or doing drugs. Oh, and killing someone while having sex or doing drugs. That is a sin too. Getting rich is fine. Good. Great. Go forward and get rich. I think I said that before. Maybe in Matthew. I know I said that "blessed are the rich because they are so much like me."

Reporter: Mr. President Jesus, how do you explain your administration's relationship with Ahmed Chalabi?

President Jesus: Who, now?

Reporter: The guy your administration was paying over 300 thousand dollars per month.

President Jesus: Doesn't ring a bell.

Reporter: He was the guy who stood right behind your wife during the State of the Union.

President Jesus: What wife?

Reporter: Ok, on to a different topic. Mr. President Jesus, can you tell us why former Disciple Tenet is a "former" disciple?

President Jesus: Who now?