Recent events have inspired me once again to move to the fictional world--especially that which appears truer than life. I give you, the new Church:

Nashville, Tenn. (BP)--Baptist and other evangelical officials announced Wednesday that starting with the Reagan Funeral this coming Friday, business as usual in conservative churches was officially over. "We are hearing the clarion call of our Exodus brothers," said John Salem, "and will return the church to its true godly leadership." Salem said that after Friday, several landmark churches would rename themselves after the former President. Ronald Reagan First Baptist Church of Nashville would unveil their logo and flag first, followed by similar changes in Atlanta, and Sarrasota. "We know where our hearts are," said Salem, " and we can no longer act as if Democrats and liberals aren't going to hell." It was time for the church to speak the Biblical truth, Salem noted, and those changes would lead to a revival in the nation.

Salem also noted other changes pending for churches across the nation. Some, since all could not be RR churches, would be George Walker Bush Churches, or possibly the standard of the Republican Baptist Church would suffice. In other news, the churches were going to start recruiting corporate sponsorship. "We have been preaching the gospel of wealth and prosperity for a long time anyway," Salem said," and it is time that our churches reflected that. "Many of our parishoners are too busy building their own portfolio and wealth to spend time 'giving' at a local church. With corporate sponsorship, we can reduce the need for member gifts." Churches would include credit-card machines in pews, and start selling indulgences muffins and coffee to raise money. Other advances like online application forms (both for the Church credit card and health club), payroll deductions, and multi-media stations in churches were coming soon. Salem admitted that many churches would start including advertisements in bulletins and logos on church buildings, but claimed that was in no way a problem. "These people truly know that capitalism and democracy are based entirely on the Bible. It is time for the old thoughts about that to fade away." Salem lectured for a bit about history, noting that capitalism and government were problems when "not controlled by Christians, but now that they were firmly in the hands of the believers, there is no need to preach about accumulation of wealth. It is all God's, after all, and as long as it is controlled by his people, there is almost nothing you can't do with it. Except sex, of course, which is the hallmark sin of the church."

When asked why the changes happened, Salem noted the recent "outrage" over Abu Ghraib, gay marriage, and how godless Democrats responded to the holy leadership of George W. Bush. "Torture is perfectly justified when fighting against heathens and infidels," but gay marriage was "an abomination in the sight of God and the Holy Republican Party."