We are sure you receive these too, so we offer this tranlation tool for the ubiquitious Christmas letter. As with all translation tools, this should be used only for good.
"Dear Friends and Family," usually just means that. Though often the term "friends" is loosely defined and may refer to aquaintances that need to reminded of how inferior they are.
"We hope this blessed time finds you healthy and happy." We are more blessed and happy than you.
"This year found our family busy and active. The kids, A and B (shown in accompanying picture) have excelled this year in school and other activities." Our family is clearly much better than yours. We often wonder why others even try to have family when they clearly fall short of our idea. Our children, as shown in the picture, are more attractive than yours, as well as clearly smarter and more athletic. Child B has been declared the smartest person on the planet, while Child A is the most attractive. Child A recently wrote her dissertation in 5 minutes, while Child B has developed the world's first perpetual motion machine and is very close to curing cancer as we speak.
"As a family, we have been fortunate enough to travel widely this year (see accompanying photos)." We have more money than you, and lead more interesting lives. We hope that you are jealous of our success.
"We pray that this Christmas season will bring you closer to God." As if we weren't better than you to begin with, we are also better Christians than you. Jesus likes us better and our children are reading the Bible in the original King James.
"We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year." Seriously, why do you even try? If this letter doesn't depress you, then it is clear that you can't read. Which is what we thought anyway.
Merry Christmas indeed. :)
1 comment:
Man. What prompted this? Serious cynicism here.
Which reminds me: did you get our letter?
Just kidding.
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