The White House's recent attack on Richard Clarke has spurred me to ask about the role that Bush's Christian faith plays in his decision making process. He once famously noted that his favorite philosopher was Jesus, because he "changed" his life. My understanding of that is that that means you can't openly espouse actions or beliefs that are completely counter to Christ. I have asked my friends who support him to explain this, to me, but their silence has spurred a new episode of President Jesus.
So, without further ado:
[Our scene opens with President Jesus taking the podium to lead his 12th press conference (still a record low since the TV era began).]
President Jesus: Welcome. I will now take your questions.
Helen Thomas: Mr. President, we have some quotes that we would like you to identify and comment on.
President Jesus: Helen? How did you get to ask a question? Where are my friends from Fox News? I thought we had banished any press with brains? Oh well, someone screwed up, but it wasn't me. Go ahead. I hope Condi prepped me on these quotes, because you all know I don't like to read.
Helen Thomas: "Blessed are the peacemakers"
President Jesus: "What is that? A Dixie Chick lyric? [shoulders shrug in laughter] Look, peace is fine and good, but I am a War president. Peace is for the French."
Helen Thomas: "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
President Jesus: "I don't know about that. I like the poor and want them to have jobs [hand shoots out in emphasis as he smirks]. But on the other hand, I have often said that "Blessed are the Rich because they are my very close friends and Cabinet members."
Helen Thomas: "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
President Jesus: "What is that? Some Middle Eastern "religion?" We don't have camels. In Texas where I have executed people and laughed at them, we have horses and no horse is going through any needle. Sounds like communism and class warfare to me. I like the rich people. They are my friends. They are me."
Helen Thomas: "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you"
President Jesus: That is just weird. I hate the evil doers and want to bring them to justice. And let me say, it isn't just the evil doers that attack me, but my former friends. Former Disciple O'Neill and Former Disciple Advisor Clarke are saying mean things about me right now. I have sworn to make them persona au gratin (that there is some French for you) in this town and never able to work here. I think that is a reasonable thing to do. I don't know who said what you just quoted, but that is not policy in this White House. And what is that "ye" stuff? Where I come from (Texas) we speak proper American and nobody I know would reckon to would use a word like that one there."
Helen Thomas: "Thank you, Mr. President Jesus. Blessed are the Meek."
President Jesus: "Yeah, right Helen. The Meek get run over or executed. Well, at least if they are black or hispanic and poor. That is supposed to say "Blessed are the Strong and Powerful with money and access to oil and energy corporations." And let me say very plainly. I curse Richard Clarke, John Dillulio, Paul O'Neill, Joseph Wilson (and his CIA operative Wife), Rand Beers (gave up beer) for daring to disagree with me in public. This is America, and our system is predicated on following Compassionate Conservative leadership as it bombs the rest of the world. I think that is a quote from the Declaration, actually. I dunno. You guys can look it up. I don't like to read."
That is all. This is more than I wanted to disclose. Remember, we are Compassionate, strong on defense and terror, and unlike that flip-flopper John "Kennedy", I mean Kerry, when I say something, I stick to it.
[President leaves the press conference.] Karen Hughes appears at the front and repeats several times: President Jesus is compassionate and right. Any perceived contradictions are in fact not. President Jesus is compassionate and right.....
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