The recent Passion-related merchandising and subsequent deafening
silence from the evangelical community has inspired me of the business
opportunities to be gained in this largely untapped market. Below is
my vision of the new FaithFellowship.com, P.C., LLC.. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Nabisco foods)

[As our visitors enter the sanctuary decorated with the usual crosses
and stained glass depictions of our Lord and Savior saving mankind,
they are directed to their seats by ushers. Those same ushers take
drink and muffin orders as the organ plays.]

[Lights dim, Pastor steps to the podium.] "Welcome to our church,
FaithFellowship.com, where your religious dollar goes farther!" [The
pastor grins and waits for the laughter to fade.] "In all seriousness,
we hope that our visitors were able to negotiate the parking system
outside and urge you to sign up for a monthly permit if you join our
church. Great savings over the single visits. Remember that salvation
and standing up to the devil is a costly venture and we must compete.
And before we start the hymns, please make your final drink orders from
your usher. We are having a Passion of the Christ muffin sale today, 2
for 5 dollars. And now our music minister. Praise Jesus.

[Music minister takes the stand.] "Please turn in your hymnal to page
242. If you do not have one, your usher can bring one to you for a $4
rental or you can purchase your own (engraved in fake leather) at the
bookstore after the service or online at FaithFellowship.com. Now,
let us sing: "what a friend we have in Jesus..."

[After the FaithFellowship.com choir has sung their song (paid for today
by the $2 cover charge), the Pastor reappears to call for the
offertory. He explains how to use the touch screens and card swipes in
front of every worshipper. Those without credit cards are ushered out to
avoid embarrassment.]

[Organ music.]

[Pastor returns for his sermon.] "Today's sermon is brought to you by
the good folks at Keeler SUV and Gas Guzzler. If you need to buy a new
car, the Lord has directed me to say that these folks are his anointed
dealership in this area. They will not cheat you out of the heaviest
car they can sell you, and you can show your devotion to our Lord and
Savior by following his will. On a side note, there are people who
will tell you there is something wrong with SUVs. They are called
Communists and the Lord is not amused. SUVs are exactly what our Lord
and Savior would have driven except for the fact that the Jews hadn't
figured out the internal combustion engine when he walked the earth.
And don't listen to the "tree-huggers." God made these cars too and if
you buy a, so-called, "efficient" vehicle, you will be cheating our
good Brother Exxon--Hi brother, so glad you are enjoying your front row box
seats--out of his hard earned profit. If his business suffers, the Lord
will not be happy.

Now to our sermon on the Moneychangers. These were evil Jews, much
like you would see in our contemporary Hollywood. And in this story,
Jesus just threw them out of the temple. Wouldn't that be grand?
Wouldn't we love to see the fornicators and abortionists and
pornographers just thrown out of this good country? Remember, Hitler
loved porn, abortions and porn. Let us pray. "Dear Holy God. Help us
to be better children of thine and show us thy pleasure by making our
stocks go up, Lord, yeah, even double. For as I walk through the
uncertainty of downsizing, I will fear no evil as God himself will
ensure that my 401K will increase at a healthy 10% rate. Amen."

Now is the time to call our new converts and consumers to the front to
declare your allegiance to our Lord and Savior. Once you have declared
before God and man, you will have one more step. For while it is good
to declare your love of Jesus and God before this holy, incorporated
partnership and congregation, it is most important that you show the
rest of the ungodly world where your allegiance lies. So following
your conversion, please follow Bridget (head usher) to the Church Gift
Shoppe where you can purchase your proof to the world. We have
t-shirts (pre-shrunk, of course) posters, bracelets, official pendants
of the Passion of the Christ movie, and of course, John The Baptist
ties for the Christian executive. For our youth fighting the sin of premarital sex,
we have "Abstinence Only" thongs and "Just say No" briefs.
The Gift Shoppe accepts all major credit cards, and today only,
if you turn your life over to Christ AND purchase a minimum
of $50 worth of Christian-proving merchandise, we
will sign you up for a low interest FaithFellowship.com credit card.
This new card will allow you to profess your heartfelt faith wherever
you shop, and in fact, you will be witnessing to the world every time
you buy something. So, buy, buy, buy. Show the Lord and the Devil
whose side you are on!

Let us pray.

[End of service.]