Laramie Ghosts

I blogged early this month on the ghosts that haunt me.

Today I spent some time in the archives and found family names on the pages--pictures and memories. Ghosts that jumped off the page, flashed past the buildings and landmarks, and flitted across the faces.

This trip has been a revealing one for me. I think Sherman Alexie's talk was really good. His call for all of us to stop taking ourselves, our self-proclaimed wisdom, senses of normal and abnormal, etc., so fucking serious was a good thing to hear.

It has been interesting in other ways too. I gave two talks, and that is an interesting experience. So very easy to assume things about myself and the audience when I am in front with their eyes (some, anyway) fixed on me. I can see how people lose perspective, myself included.

NPR had an interview with a guy who has written a lot about how modern people are constantly acting in ways that they perceive they should. We so internalize media messages, or other messages, and I think his point was that we are rarely authentically ourselves, and may not even know what that is. We are walking, talking, etc. in mannerisms that we have picked up from other places. Sort of a by-product of the method acting school.

I have been very conscious of that in my interactions with church. I noticed early on the language and posture and pose that people struck in church settings. Voice patterns change, mannerisms are affected, etc. Alexie's talk really reinforced that, and I was struck at my own participation in that. When I was in front of those 30 people one night, or those 50 people the next day, I affected my own mannerisms--projected my own idea of having something to say that they needed to hear. I try not to have two many of these personalities. I am conscious (as much as I can be) of some of that and try not to affect more than I need to. I try to act the same around different groups of people. But I am conscious of that play-acting that NPR discussed.

But back to the ghosts. When I saw those photos and names of family members, I experienced something both unexpected and cool. I felt an emotional connection that surprised me--took me off guard, and seemed to move outside that often contrived way we respond. It was genuine and authentic, and I am glad for it.

Maybe those are the ghosts that reach from the past and make us aware of our own insignificance and value all at the same time.

I like ghosts.....