President Jesus has refrained from giving press conferences lately, but decided to meet the press on the occasion of the Pope's passing.
President Jesus: "Thanks for coming everyone. Hey, where is that gay prostitute I used to call on all the time? He asked easy questions. I miss him. Anyway, today, I would like you to call me President Jesus the Pope, out of reverence for the pope, you know, that John Paul Ringo guy. I will take your questions."
Non gay prostitute reporter: "Mr. President, what do you have to say about the Pope's passing?"
President Jesus: "As I have said many times, I love the Pope. He and I both shared a great devotion to what I call, the "culture of life." Funny story really. I was talking to Dick about our torture policy--by which I mean that we are against torture--and Dick and I talked about how much the Pope agreed with us. He was a truly great man."
Other reporter: "Mr. President, what about your differences with the pontiff?"
President Jesus: "Who? What? Is that a part of the liberal media? Oh, the Pope. We didn't disagree on much. We both shared that culture of life thing I mentioned earlier. We both like life. We talked about it many times when he called me to oppose the war in Iraq or to try to get me to stop executing people. We both say that life is important. We both wanted to keep the evil husband from killing poor Terry Schiavo. I loved her life and the press time that we got from it. Sniff."
Other reporter: "Mr. President, if we can change topics, can you address the social security crisis and your plan for it?"
President Jesus: "It is a crisis and I don't have a plan for it. I simply want the country to know that the government cannot be trusted to pay what it promised. The US government is terrible with money and does not operate with any kind of, what I would call, "integritivity." Do not trust your government."
Same reporter: "Mr. President? Aren't you the government? Aren't we all the government?"
President Jesus: "Heh heh. Where did you get that idea? You probably went to an Ivy league school. No, the government is a bunch of greedy and inefficient bureacrats whose sole purpose in life is to rob you of your hard earned money and waste it. Hell, they actually burn your money. Did you know that? Why would you trust those evil bastards with your hard earned tax money? What have they ever done for you? "
Same reporter now sighing and considering relocating to Canada: "Mr. President, the government has given tax breaks and government contracts to people like your family. The government has built roads, schools, clinics and hospitals. The government has financed cheaper gas and helped people start businesses. The government has subsidized research into disease prevention and cures. The government has assisted the poor and disabled and helped the country's farmers. Social Security has been one of the most popular government programs since its inception in the 30s because it has created a shared American identity."
President Jesus: "What now? Whosit? I think we know where communism went after it left my friend Pooty Poot in Russia."
Reporter now considering suicide in press room: "Mr. President, what do you say to those Americans who have concerns about your "proposed" social security changes?"
President Jesus: "I would say to my fellow Americans: better start saving because the government gravy train is being rerouted to Westchester county! Heh heh. (shoulders shaking at his own humor) If you voted for me, I say you are smart, and will obviously save enough money to keep from eating dog food. If you voted against me, I couldn't care less about you."
Reporter tightening noose around own neck: "Don't you actually represent all Americans--not just those who voted for you?
President Jesus: "No. I do not. If Dick Cheney had his way (and it is under consideration) we would just ship all democrats to Gitmo so that we would have more, what I like to call "unificatorium" and less "Anti-Americanitis. Now, why did that guy just hang himself in the press room?"
No comments:
Post a Comment