I am not sure why I do this. Not the blog. It has been a good thing. But at times I engage with people that I really know I shouldn't. This isn't elitism, or snobbery. It is just the recognition that it is a trap to discuss with some people because while it seems we are using the same language, we aren't. We might as well be speaking Martian and Venutian for the good we do talking to each other.
Over at Jesus Politics I got into a discussion with a woman over the Lamott essay. She firmly believes that those of us who ask questions are bad. And so it goes. I tried. As God is my witness, I tried. I tried to approach with humility and grace. But when I try to engage, I run into her insistence that she has it straight from God. I am merely trying to think my way along. It isn't a fair discussion.
In a similar discussion, I got into it with a very conservative gentleman. We have moments of clarity as if we are on the same field, but then the ground shifts and it is clear we aren't talking about the same stuff at all. Here the subject is history, but the outcome is the same.
Today has been one of those days. I have written about those demons that come out when we are tired and weak and distraught. Mine come out when there are clouds and I am down. Today they reminded me that I am almost 40 and that my "career" is not what I had hoped. My brain struggles to fight them off--reminding those smug bastards that there is more to life than career, and that in that accounting, I am quite rich. More rich than I deserve. But those bastards keep taunting me; reminding me that my Ph.D., doesn't amount for shit.
I know they lie. I know they lie. But it hurts, and it drags me down today. Right now, though, as I write this, some evening sun has broken through. that is nice. I feel a surge of relief, like adrenalin, or like when you realize you have been holding your breath and start breathing again.
This is one of those down times, and those who read this blog recognize them. I am moody. I have to keep reminding myself of the truth of who I am, and not try to engage people on some other blog in a fake contest. It won't convince them, and it won't convince the demons.
But I don't have to take their shit either.