The Past

Yes, I am watching some of the games. Blame SOF. And some of it is quite interesting. The human interest stories just drive me crazy, but the competition is fun. Watching some of the rowing this afternoon, I had to laugh when the analyst described one of the teams compared to 4 years ago. She said, "well, there is no Penske and no Hurtz (making the names up)" as if those names meant anything to me at all. I suspect that is what some of my friends feel like watching football and hearing references to Elway and Marino.

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Thomas Wolfe famously said that you can't go home again. I haven't read the book, but that quote has come up over the years--I think first from a good therapist. The allure of the nostalgic past is something I have written about in my work, and I am not immune from that call.

It has come to mind again this week. I have a membership on one of the social networking sites. I use it rarely, but was thinking the other day how has illustrated these weird connections to the past, present and other worlds of my life. Recently, I was added to the friend's list of a former high school colleague. That is 25 years ago. Yikes.

Then the other day, our old BSU sent out a request for people to join a group online, and I thought--how would I even start? SOF said it well last night when she noted that that old life is like a completely different country. I am certainly a different person. Almost hard to see the Streak of now in those old pictures. Who was that guy? I would need a translator and guide to negotiate that connection.

I have run into people from the past before, and rarely positively. Often, they are (or seem to me) to be very much as they were, while I have changed so much. When they see me, they just see the impish kid from Fort Collins. When I saw that invite from the BSU, it was "world's colliding" and I had no idea how to manage that. So I didn't.

Those close to me have watched me mature over the last 25 years, or have met me more in my current incarnation. I don't even know how to explain that transition who last knew me when I was 19 or 21. I am physically different (though not a lot) but emotionally, spiritually, and philosophically I am a completely different person. I can usually speak that language of 25 years ago, but am no longer fluent or comfortable. And those times when I have attempted to introduce the man to those who knew the boy--well, it hasn't gone well.

I am ok with that. I am happier and more relaxed with who I am in my 40s than I was in my 30s and sure as hell when I was in my 20s. But I must say I rarely seek out people from my past. Maybe that is for the best. I am happy in this country.